THE STORY OF THE CATFISH!
They are the men who change the future.

They are the people who shock the world.

They are THE IMMORTAL CATFISH.

Christopher Pudding, star of film and phonograph records, decided in the 1980's to start a band.

That band was called The Christopher Walken Experience.

The band consisted of Ray Willis, an odd boy who enjoys dog balls and occasionaly smooching little girls; Joe Pie, a man who sold pie's on street corners for nickles; Steve "The Mummy" Krisch, who had no soul;Ray's cooler brother, Luke Willis, who stole ladies hearts, before he stole their skin and made skin hats with it; Count Dracula, a bloodsucking fiend; and Connor Oberst, a creepy looking guy who wrote brilliant music.

The band lasted for one day.

Then, all hell broke loose. Literaly. The bands horrible music unleashed a portal from hell, and demons and ghouls and other such fowl creatures of darkness were unleashed upon the world. The band suited up with their proton packs and tried to restore order.

Sadly, they failed, and half of the worlds population was killed. Several years later, in 2002, when the population had gone back to it's previous over-croweded form due to massive amounts of fucking, the hellion ghouls returned home to hell, bored of destruction.

At this point, Joe Pie had moved on to greater things, selling his own line of pie made clothing. Connor Oberst had gone on to start the band Bright Eyes, Dracula went on to suck more blood, and Steve went on to be a fucking tool who abandoned his friends. He was later killed by the ghost of Hitler, but that is another tale.

Anyway, the three remaining members, Pudding, Ray and Luke, drifted through life, getting jobs at balloon factories. Then Pudding decided it was time to start again. But this time, their music would not unleash hell-spawns. No, this time, their music would be good.

They changed their name to THE IMMORTAL CATFISH, in honor of both the noblest of all creatures, the catfish, and after a reckless and brave sea captain, Capt. Ghouly Catfish.

Pudding began writing new lyrics, and soon, they encountered Odd Boy Extrodinare, Frank Frankus, who became their bass player.

And now, they rock the world daily with their music to kill God by.

They're sweeping a nation and sweeping ladies off their feet--just don't expect them to sweep your floor---WHAT??? GOD, WHAT DOES THAT MEAN??

The world is changing.

Nothing will ever be the same again.

Music is dead.

Behold:

THE IMMORTAL CATFISH.

WORDS FROM THE TUMOR FACTORY
Various Words Of Wisdom and Stories From The Band As They Take Over The World With Their Sweet Love Songs


The new entries from now on (as of December 25th) will be on top.


fun.



May 8th, 2003 | SO PATHETIC IT'S GOOD OR VICE VERSA
Well, yet another show has fallen through, that previously mentioned May 11th show. Oh well. We're currently lining up new shows (including ghoulstock) but I'm just not gonna say anything more about them because every time I shoot my big stupid mouth off and say "OHH WE GOT A SHOW I'M A BIG FAT NERD!" it gets cancled. So, if we ever get a show, it doesn't matter cuz no one wants to come anyway. Last week the Catfish got back to it's early roots and played down the shore. And, gasp, people LIKED US?!?! What kind of world is this?? Now, you may not believe it (and why should you) but it's the truth. There were at the very least over thirty people (which, to us, is like filling Madison Square Garden), and they really really dug us. There was one kid in a group of teens who were surely stonned who were crazy enough to say "If you guys ever get a CD, I'll be the first to buy it!" I'm sure he was drunk on Fire Water, but still, it was cool of him to say so. Then this group of girls said "Oooooo can I sit on one of your laps?!?!" Frank, who was doing nothing because he forgot his bass and was occasionaly playing the shakers, said "SURE THING, BABY" and the girl sat on his lap while her friends took a picture of us all making retarded faces. The girl then kissed Frank. Yes, and that's all true. Obviously, Frank is a sexual juggernaut whose libido knocks down walls---or that girl was blind. The point is, we're famous rock stars. Ray unknowingly insulted Dirty Larry to someone who was in Dirty Larry, I improved a ten minute song about why girls should date Ray, and gave out his phone number, and Luke wore a derby. It was all good fun. The guestbook is experiencing shitty difficulties, but don't worry, we'll have it back up soon, so all of you can say "ohh you suck" just because you're bored and have no souls. ta ta for now, fool world.
--Chris--

April 29th, 2003 | FUCK BEANS
Apparently we're cursed to never get a show while Good Charoltte keeps on truckin'. Welcome to the real world. That Dirty Larry show isn't happening because everyone is a fool and no one knows how to set up shows. But we'll hopefully have a show next Sunday (the 11th). But that'll probably fall through too because life is retarded. Ghoulstock is still on the horizon, it will happen, I don't care if it takes five years.

In other news, we went to the Bright Eyes show last night, and it's true, Bright Eyes is still the second best band of all time. The first? The Immortal Catfish, of course. Rock and Troll. Fuck.
--Chris--


April 22nd, 2003 | HEY JEEPERS, OVER HERE, CHECK THIS SHIT OUT
Haven't been many updates cuz there's not much to say. Reminder that on May 9th we have a show with Dirty Larry at the PBA Hall in Barrington. For directions: It's right by Melanie's house, so, first, throw rocks at her house, then go straight till the end of the road, then turn left. For Ghoulstock, we're hoping for May 23rd. More on that later.
--Chris


April 3rd, 2003 | THE FUTILE SYSTEM
Fun Fact:In the 10th Century, when Viking's would be around killing and raping and such, when they came across a missionary somewhere, nuns who were there, to make themselves appear unattractive to save themselves from rape, would cut off their own noses.
Anyway, that show May 9th is going to be at the PBA Hall in Barrington. I have no idea where that is. Nor do I know what PBA stands for. My guess is Poon Butt's and Astronauts. Or maybe Pumpkin Book Ass. Or maybe...
--Chris--


April 1st, 2003 | APRIL GHOUL'S
Man, those GHOUL jokes NEVER GET OLD, I mean, EVERYONE LOVES THEM. Isn't that crazy??? Anyway, we've decided that Ghoulstock will now be held either the last week of April or first week of May. We also now have a show May 9th with Dirty Larry and A Strong Retard. Where? I forget, cuz I'm an idiot. But a handsome idiot. Anyway, I just finished reading Breakfast of Champions by Kurt Vonnegut. Go fucking read that now, even if you already had. Read it again, because man, it's better than God. Later, kings.
--Chris "Ghoul Ghost Dracula Jesus" Pudding--


March 26th, 2003 | SORRY ABOUT GHOULSTOCK
Well, Ghoulstock has been...postponed. Try not to cry TOO much. Apparently, the little league hall booked Great White befor us, and they burned the place down. Now they're rennovating. So, we'll keep udpating. The bands playing will be: the catifsh(of course), Orwell, A Strong Retards, Fates End, Rusty Sweater, Three Point Star. Rock. Talk to you later, kings.
--Chris Pudding--


March 20th, 2003 | HAPPY WAR DAY
We are not a political band and I don't want us to be, so all I say is this: George Bush is an idiot, War is stupid, and I hope it ends soon.

I've come to the conclusion that life is just miserable. Of course, I've come to this conlcusion before, but now, it just seems to be finalized. I find myself looking forward to death. I find myself disgusting, stupid, worthless, pathetic, scum, and I'm sure the entire population will agree. I can't see myself living a full life. I can't look forward to much of anything anymore. I guess it doesn't matter, no one reads this anyway.
--chris


March 15th, 2003 | DO YOU GET OFF ON TELLING PEOPLE THEY HAVE NO CONTROLL OVER THIER LIFE?!?!
Crispin Glover is God. I saw Willard tonight with Luke, Frankus and Gina, and it was the best movie, ever. You may not agree. You may be turned off by the fact that it's just an odd movie. That's fine, you're entitled to your opinion. But as for me, I thought it was great. Crispin Glover is just fucking amazing. People tend to be turned off by him because they view him as "weird" but if you've ever seen interviews with him, you get the sense that he's just not one to go with normal trends. And there's nothing wrong with that. Most "normal" trends are fucking stupid as hell. And he's one hell of a good actor. He was just so fucking weirdly brilliant in Willard, just with the small things he does, like repeating certain lines over and over again in different tones and throwing himself against doors. I can't explain it well. Just see the movie. Or not. Whatever you feel like doing.
--Chris Pudding

March 12th, 2003 | GOD-CANCER
Well, our Rowan appearence came off...ok. The interview segment came out nice and witty, even though Frank is cut out of the shot every time. But the music part, well, apparently the Rowan TV staff aren't masters of the media, because for some reason, they turned Luke's guitar down so low it sounded like he wasn't even playing, and they turned Ray's drum mike off completely, so that the only thing that came out was me singing loudly, and Frank's bass. Now, an egotistical singer would say "GREAT! I WAS THE ONLY ONE HEARD! HA HA HA!" But you see, of all the members of the band, I'm the one without talent...so it would've been better had my mike been turned down, and everyone elses turned up. Oh well, at least we got to go on TV, even if it was college TV. Also, me and Luke are finalizing the whole GHOULSTOCK deal by the end of this week, and we're also going to be playing a show on May 15th. More info on that as it comes. Later, hellions.
--Chris Pudding


March 10th, 2003 | PRETEND THAT YOU CARE
Our "TV" appearence went quite well. We were full of wit and we played pretty damn good. The show hasn't aired yet, it airs Friday and then a couple other days after that, but you can't see it unless you go to Rowan, and even then you probably wont care. Ghoulstock has once again run into problems. Apparently, at the last show that was held at the place we wanted to have Ghoulstock, someone "grafot-tagged" the bathroom, and apparently, writing in bathrooms has now become a federal offense, because now they don't know if they EVER want to have a show there again, because, I mean, kids might come in and write "butt" on the wall. Anyway, we'll find out if for sure tommorow, and if it can't be held there, we got the numbers of a few other places and we'll call them. I'm determened to have this fucking show, damnit, even if it kills Ray.
--Chris Pudding


March 5th, 2003 | LATE NIGHT WITH DRACULA
The Catfish will be on Rowan TV tommorow night, rockin the hizzouse. Some show called Up All Night. I have no idea when it airs. The point is, we're fucking COOL as HELL. Also, I saw the Mummy today for the first time in months. He looked drunk or something. Who cares. Next time the band gets together to practice for GHOULSTOCK, I'm gonna try to talk them all into writing music for two new songs. Yes, I know you're excited, because I know you really care. Sigh...oh, were only that true...
--Chris Pudding


March 4th, 2003 | CRISPIN GLOVER IS COOL
Well, Ghoulstock is coming along nicely, I suppose. So far, the bands will be Orwell, Death by Monkeys, A Strung Retards, Rusty Sweater, and of course, THE CATFISH headlining. We might get one more band, we're not sure yet. But the date will most likely be March 28th. Also, a reminder, on March 14th, go and see WILLARD, starring Crispin Glover, because Crispin Glover is fucking cool.
--Chris Pudding--

March 3rd, 2003 | IS IT POSSIBLE TO BE THIS COOL?
At this time I would like to state how fucking good we are. This isn't just bullshit bragging, or "razzing" if you will. It's the truth. We are a good fucking band. Luke Willis is a guitar king, Frank is Bass Masterson, and Ray is a drumming machine---not to be confused with a drum machine. And me, I am fucking handsome and I write damn good lyrics. Don't think so? What do you know!! NOTHIN. HA HA HA HA. P.S. I'm not really this arrogant. I'm just honest. HA HA HA HA. Sigh.
--Chris "Sexual Juggernaut" Pudding


March 2nd, 2003 | DAMAGED HEARING
I think it must be made offical that Frank's party of rock and roll was fan-fuckin-tastic. We rocked the house, and my hearing was damaged in the process. Cool. Anyway, we've decided on a NEW date for Ghoulstock--March 28th. So if you're a Catfish fan--and I know you are--you better fucking come. Please. Rock and roll.
--Chris Pudding--


March 1st, 2003 | FRANK'S HOUSE PARTY
I'm posting this right now from Frank's house, and we are about to begin practice. Tonight, we will end the world with pain. Fucking Dracula.
--Chris Pudding


February 28th, 2003 | WOULD YOU RUN DOWN PAST THE FENCE, FUCKER?
Well last night, me, Luke and hairiest man in the world, Ray Willis, went to a show at the first unitarian church in philly, to see coheed & cambria, rocking horse winner, one line drawing and hopesfall. And it was a good fucking show, with the acception of Hopesfall, who just screamed every song and have very predictable music, but, I guess they're obviously better than us since they have a record contract and all. Anyway, Coheed was good as usual, and as usual I got bruised in the mosh pit. Ray however got beaten by a girl. There was this short angry punk girl and every time Ray would bounce into her in the pit, she would punch him, and I mean really PUNCH, with two fists, over and over again. He didn't notice because he has no feeling, but I saw her doing it, and was amazed. Rocking Horse Winner, who I had heard of but never heard before we're very good too, and they had one helluva good drummer. But the band that most suprised me was one line drawing. And when I say band I mean one guy with a guitar and a little robot acting as a drum machine. He (the guy, not the robot) was so fucking funny and odd and laid back, it was cool. He would stop in the middle of the song just to tell some odd story. I was very impressed with him, and his lyrics were fucking clever too, and what's great is that he like brought everyone together, all the head banging kids there for hopesfall and coheed and all the mellow emo kids there for rocking horse winner, they were all united by this mans wit. It was very cool. Me breifly met him after the show and shook his hand and told him he was cool, and he was really fucking nice and not a jerk. And I was representing the Catfish by wearing the Catfish T-shirt, and the whole time I was talking to him (and when I say talking I mean saying "you were cool") he just starred oddly at the words IMMORTAL CATFISH. Hopefully he was influenced enough to go out and seek us and give us a billion dollars. I also shook hands with Claudio Coheed Magoo, the singer of Coheed, and got him to sign my ticket, and told him he had a lot of fucking hair. He said "thanks a lot brother." It was just refreshing, after dealing with the mass majority of scum bag people in the world to breifly meet "nice" rock and roll folk, even though I'm sure it was just fake superficial posing niceness, but it's better than nothing. Anyway, GHOULSTOCK will not be on the 21st, because half the bands can't play then. So we're gonna work out a date and we should know by Monday or Tuesday. This Saturday, we play Frank's party of robots, and on Thursday, we go on TV!!!!! ROCK AND ROOLBOT, MUTHA FUCKA. "You're so hot that if there were a million of you the sun wouldn't have anything to do."--one line drawing. That is fucking humorously good, man.
--Chris Pudding


February 27th, 2003 | A SHITTY DAY IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD
Well, Mr. Rogers died. And I know, I am not the most "kind" of folks, I often make fun of celebrities who die, but I don't really mean dissrespect when I do such things. You see, when celebrities die, it's sort of like "Oh, well, if celebrities die, then, I'm gonna die some day." And that sucks(for me at least, I'm sure everyone else will dance in the streets and have a parade when I'm dead) so I deal with death by mocking it. But I'm not gonna mock Mr. Rogers dying. Mr. Rogers was fucking cool. He was like...the nicest guy ever. And it wasn't an act, he was like that on and off screen on TV. Mr. Rogers kicks ass, and the fact that he died is fucking lame. What a lame, lame world, with a lame, lame, gay God. So fuck you God, how can you kill Mr. Rogers and let people like The Osbornes or C.J. or the band members of Dysfunctional Society keep living. Kill them off, not Mr. Rogers. Mr. Rogers, rest in peace, you were the coolest old man ever.
--Chris Pudding--


February 25th, 2003 | THIS JUST IN
This just in, I am a pathetic worthless fool who deserves to die. But I'm still cooler (and better) than God.
--Chris Pudding--

February 25th, 2003 | THIS JUST IN
This just in, I am cooler than God.
--Chris Pudding--

February 24th, 2003 | IT'S NOT A GUN BUT IT'LL DO THE TRICK
We practiced rock and roll today, and it was rock a riffic. Frank's party will be the party to end all parties, especialy since we invited Kid N Play to show up with their house party grooves. Luke Willis will be partaking in the Rock Guitarian Contest of Lost Souls tommorow, and when he wins, he'll drink his enemies blood from their hollowed out skulls. Good luck, Lucas, you guitar king, rock the world like you rock the hearts of ladies.
--Chris Pudding--


February 23rd, 2003 | NO ONE READS THIS WEBSITE ANYWAY
I am bored of life these days. Anyway, the Catfish will be playing the hottest venue ever Saturday: I'm speaking, of course, about Frank's basement. I know, you're probably thinking "How did they book such a show?!?!" Well, we have connections, and we are the greatest band ever. How bout that Hitler? He sucks, big time. I hate my life.
--Chris Pudding--



February 21st, 2003 | ACTUAL BAND NEWS FOR A CHANGE
Wow, for a change of pace we have actual band news!!! Can you stand it? Well, we've finaly set a date for GHOULSTOCK, and that date is March 21st. Of course, we haven't rented the hall yet, so that is a "tentitve" date. But hopefully that's the one we'll get. Also, the Catfish will be on TV IN TWO WEEKS!!!!! WOW! Not real TV though, ha ha ha ha. But Rowan TV. So, if you go to Rowan or for some strange reason get Rowan tv, watch us, on March 6th. And we will rock your world.
--Chris Pudding--


February 20th, | A TRUE STORY FROM LUKE
So I was fucking Jesus with my fourty foot tubing of pleasure, and it occured to him that we were walking across water while engaged in the act. So Jesus says to me he says "We're walking on water!!!" and I says to him I says "Oh, of course we are, see, i'm the son of god" and he says to me he says "well that explains why i'm taking it from your forty foot love tube" and i says to him i says "yeah, now lets slap around my father." midway to the pearly gates i decide "fuck jesus" and i trow him off of thegoddamn brige of sighs no more jesus
end of story
--Luke Willis



February 19th, 2003 | SIGH...
I doubt anyone reads this anymore. Sometimes, it seems like no one really listens to me. Now, I'm not saying I have anything really important to say, I mean, I am a fool. But a lot of the time it just seems like people are meerly waiting for me to mention them while I'm talking, and if they don't hear their names, they don't really listen. I don't really have a point, I just feel very useless. I guess thats what I am.
--Chris



February 17th, 2003 | NOW IS THE WINTER OF OUR DISCONTENT
Lets all fucking say that Luke Willis should get better from this strange stomach ailment he keeps having, get well soon, Luke, you rockstar, get well. I think it's obvious he swallowed a fly, then swallowed a spider to catch the fly, then swallowed Ray Willis to catch teh spider. Then Ray died, of course. Sigh. Also, I'd like to vent about indoor percussion. Now this will sound totaly selfish on my part, but I don't care, I'm a selfish guy. I hate indoor percussion, because the competitions are on Saturdays and I have dubbed Saturday to be offical rock and roll party fun day, and then the percussion steals Luke and Frankus from us. FUCK THAT, KILL GOD. I think it's obvious that we must blow up Jesus. That's all for now. Get well soon, Luke, or we'll pour hot lava on you.
--Chris Pudding



February 16th, 2003 | ONCE UPON A TIME
Once upon a time, there was this tower that streatched high into the sky, and trapped in the top room of the tower, was a duck. One day, the duck gazed out the window and sighed. Then, a goose flew by. See, these were like...fuckin'...magical times or something, when all animals could talk, long ago, like in the 1950's, so the goose says: "Hey, duck, what are you doing?" and the duck says "I'm sad." "Why is that?" asks the goose. "Cuz I'm stuck in this damn tower," says the duck. "Oh, well, why don't you just leave?" asks the goose, not to be confused with Goose from Top Gun. "Because," says the duck, "I'm trapped here! And it's too high up to jump down!" "You're a duck, stupid," says the goose. "Just fly away." THE END.
--Chris Pudding


February 15th, 2003 | FUCKING SNOW MISER
I'd like to take a moment to complain: FUCK THIS WINTER. Jesus Christ, I hate this fucking winter. FUCK YOU OLD MAN WINTER, and your cousin, the Snow Miser. This is sooooooooooooooooooooo gay. I'm sick of snow---go the fuck away, you ruin everything. Snow, the most selfish of all percipitation. It covers everything, it ruins everything. GO AWAY GO AWAY GO AWAY, fucking winter, DIE DIE DIE DIE. Anyway, ghouls.
--Chris Pudding


February 14th, 2003 | A MOMENT
I'd like to take a moment to speak incoherently: blaehr dfue fuejse afff fatusa ruhen ifh eiss hekkle doo booooea.
--Chris Pudding


February 13th, 2003 | GHOULSTOCK
Well, apparently, we've got most of the planning for Ghoulstock set up. We've decided on six bands. SIX MILLION BANDS. Who those six bands are will be announced later, but I can tell you this: one of them will be The Immortal Catfish. And another won't be the Beatles. Me and Luke will have a buisness meeting this weekend in my office to work the rest out. And when I say office, I mean my car.
--Chris Pudding


February 12th, 2003 | JUST A FRIENDLY REMINDER
Just a reminder: I'm cool. Also, remember that April 14th is Heterosexual Caucasion Male Day--A Day For The Rest of Us, founded by Joe Pie. Thank you.
--Chris Pudding


February 11th, 2003 | WALKEN!!!!!!!
Well, the Oscar nominations were announced today, and I don't really care because the Oscars are lame. But the good news is CHRISTOPHER WALKEN GOT NOMINATED FOR BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR! Damn right. He better fucking win too. Also good nominations are for Michael Moore for best documentary for Bowling For Columbine, Daniel Day Lewis for best actor in Gangs of New York, Gangs of New York as best picture, and Martin Scoresese for Best Director. They all better win, or I'll kick the ghoul of god. ANYWAY, band news: there isn't any. Yeah, we suck. We haven't heard back about the show yet, if we dont by the end of the week we'll contact her ourselves. The TV appearence is still on, as is Ghoulstock. Ray likes dog balls. And hopefully we're gonna rock and roll some more next monday, because I've started writing new songs. I'm so fucking cool.
--Chris Pudding



February 8th, 2003 | FINAL DESTINATION 8!!!!
Last night, on our way to see the fun Hitler comedy MAX, me , Luke, Frankus and Gina were driving in my car of suck, and we were doing this turn around a corner, and suddenly, the car swerved and lost controll. I regained control, but then it slipped again and started to do a 360 spin, all the while, another car was headed right for us and not slowing down. Now, normal people who aren't dead inside would be screaming AHHHHH!!!!!!!!! But not us. Gina stayed silent, Frank said, "Ohhh...cool..." Luke said "TOTALY AWESOME" and I said "Alright, everyone calm down." in a monotone voice, even though everyone WAS calm. the car stopped, facing sideways, and the other car was still headed for us, at which point Luke said, in his sassy voice, "Oh, this clown isn't slowing down." So, yes, it's offical: we have no feelings. But this also means we've cheated death, so he'll be coming after us soon, killing us in comical (and bloody) ways. Stay tuned to hear about our deaths.
--Chris Pudding


February 6th, 2003 | SORRY ABOUT IRAQ
I'm going to take a break from talking about how awesome and handsome the band is. I'm going to take a minute and become one of those militant band people who talk about current events. Personaly, I always hated when bands became political and screamed their ideals at me. "FUR IS MURDER, STOP EATING MEAT, LET GAYS GO INTO SPACE!!!" Look, I'm not saying I'm against any of that. I agree, fur is murder. Eating meat, especialy veal, is a pretty bad thing to do. And, yeah, go ahead gays, go fly to the moon and come back if you want. It's not the ideals that I didn't like. It's the fact that these people are essentialy COMMANDING you to follow their beliefs, when all I want them to do is fucking sing and rock out. But I'm still going to say this: I am not going to war. There is a very large chance that if we go to war (which is pretty much unavoidable at this point because we have an oil loving cowboy with a 2nd grade IQ for a President), that they will re-instate the draft. I have recently become a college drop out. I'm going back in the fall, but for now, I'm taking time off because I don't feel like being in college. People who aren't in college are usualy some of the first people to get drafted, along with minorities and other "lower class" people. If it comes to that, if we go to war and I am still out of college, I am saying right now: I will never go to war. They can lock me up, or I'll fucking move to Canada, or I'll fake my own death. Whatever it comes to, I will not go to war. I will never condone war. I don't care if Saddam comes to America and shoots babies in the street. I will never go to war. If I've learned anything through life, it is that war is fucking stupid. It achieves nothing but pain and suffering and loss. If that makes me a coward, well, fine, if being a coward means I don't want to go half way around the world to kill someone I don't know or be killed myself, then I'm a fucking coward. If fucking George "I AM A SCREAMING GAY IDIOT" Bush want's war so bad, let him gear up and go over there. And if I hear one more spokesperson for the white house say "Oh this is about peace" I will fucking go insane. Explain to me how war = Peace. That's...kind of stupid....So i have a suggestion: If we need war like the government says we do, then send all the redneck, gun toating, racist fucks to war. I'm sure there are plently of them in the US to make up a whole army. I am not anti-American. I think America is not that bad. I mean, we're better than fucking Russia and Cambodia at least. We have freedoms here that people in other places have never heard of. And that's great. But if America chooses to go to war (which grows more and more frighteningly inevitable), well, then Fuck America. Thank you. I promise I won't clutter up this page with my bullshit beliefs anymore. From now on, I'll just keep talking about Dracula and robots and the band. Bye.
--Chris Pudding



February 5th, 2003 | WHAT THE FUCK
Yeah, so apparently that show at Rowan, which was part of something called, ROCK THE RAT, is...I dunno. See, they're not doing ROCK THE RAT anymore, but Ray says that the woman who runs it or whatever is still going to try to get us a show, it's just not as definite as it was before. We'll know in two weeks. We're still gonna be on TV, though, and we're still putting together GHOULSTOCK 2003. We'll also shop around for more shows. Not that anyone ever reads this or cares. The point is, I own time and space, so do my bidding. I hereby command every attractive female (especialy Jiha Lee) to make sweet love to me. And since I own time and space, you better do it. That is all for now.
--Chris Pudding

February 4th, 2003 | LIGHTS, CAMERA, CATFISH
Well, apparently we are going to be on Rowan TV on a show called Up All Night, we're getting famous. Cool beans. Anyway, I drank this cup full of a strange liquid. I found it in the subway. Then this bum came up to me and said "NOOOOOOOOO, that was my AMBROSIA." And I said, "That's not Ambrosio, it's the drink of the gods, and you are not a god." He cried for ten hours. Also, the name of one of the other bands that will be playing with us is Rusty Sweater. More news to come.
--Chris Pudding

February 3rd, 2003 | OH OH, CUZ I LOVE YOU
YES. So, we recorded our "DEMO" ooooooooooooo, and Ray is going to take it off to Rowan tommorow to give to some fellow, and that fellow will be most likely giving us a show. OH YEAH. Fuckers, finaly, we're getting a show. As for GHOULSTOCK 2003, that's still on, and so far the only bands we have to play are us, of course, ORWELL, and some other band that one of Ray's friends is in that I do not know the name of at this exact moment. As for the demo, I must say, it came out quite good. I'm not bragging and talking about talent-wise, I mean recording wise. It sounds good, it doesn't sound like a crappy basement recording (even though we recorded it in Frank's basement) That was all Luke Willis' doing, so good job Luke Willis. And I'd also like to thank the band for being so fucking good and rocking out and being willing to use their massive tallent to put a band together with my stupid ass. Yup, so thank you, band fellows. Oh, and Ashley was supposed to empty the dishwasher apparently. We also recorded a new song, "Too Tired to Count the Sleeping Suns," which, if I do say so myself, came out fucking good. For once, I'm not disgusted with my goddamn voice, so apparently we're getting good. Stay tuned to watch us get even better, then start doing drugs and start to suck and slowly become Guns&Roses. Talk to you later, Catfish Hunters..
--Chris Pudding

February 1st, 2003 | SHIT HAPPENS
So, yeah, the Space Shuttle blew up. Don't worry, I'm not gonna be an prick and make a joke about this. Just, it kind of sucks. So, yeah, I hope the seven people who died rest in peace and such...and...um...I'm really bad at this sentiment stuff. ROBOTS AND DRACULA AND GHOULS YEAH...I'm an idiot. Anyway, we're planning now to put together some thing with several bands to play at some VFW. It will be called GHOULSTOCK 2003. More details soon.
--Chris Pudding

January 30th, 2003 | STICK A JAR OF BUGS IN A GIRLS BUTT
I bet about now everyone is losing interest in this band. They're sitting around saying "Ohhh, fuck them, they're just a pop culture bullshit thing." WRONG, FUCKERS. Have faith, the Catfsih are still around. And we still rock out. And soon, your ears will bleed from us eating your metal crap.
--Chris Pudding



January 27th, 2003 | ATLANTIC CITY WASTELANDS I remember one year when I lost my mind and lost lost my dignity and lost my heart and shaved my head in front of a mirror because I didn't want to look the same anymore I didn't want to be me I didn't want to be the person who loses everything and I shaved my head into a mowhawk resembling Travis Bickle's from Taxi Driver and I blew off every class and went to my old highschool and waited by this girls' car smoking cigarette after cigarette until she got out of class carrying books and wearing a hat too big for her head so it cast shadows over her large reflecting pool eyes and she saw me and we just gazed at each other wordlessly and I couldn't think of anything to say because I wanted to hate her because I thought she ruined me but seeing her there so small and harmless I just wanted to hold her in my arms until the aching went away, but we just stood there, wordlessly, until I said "Want to go down to Atlantic City?" and she said "Ok" so we drove down in mostly silence, blaring the Get Up Kids, taking the long way down, passing farms and harbors and people riding bikes and blooming trees and eventualy we reached a ghetto of Atlantic City where there were projects full of Mexican's standing in doorways and dirty children runing around laughing just loving their life not and the beach was littered with broken cement the remains of some fallen building and dead seagulls and it looked like some ground zero fall out place and there was a jetty jutting out into the flowing ocean and we went to the edge and laid down together, her head resting on my cheek so when I looked up all I could see was the outline of her face and her billowing hair and the cloudless blue sky so big and vast and greater than I will ever be and I rested my hands on her bare stomach grazing fingers over the scar from when she tried to pierce her bellybutton herself and we didn't say a word and we didn't adress the truth and we didn't think about all the obsticals in our way and we didn't talk about how earlier in the day we had told each other we never wanted to see each other again and as we left people laughed and pointed to my mowhawk and said "LOOKS SHARP MAN!" and I nodded and said "thanks" and we drove home and at her house I wanted to kiss her goodbye but I couldn't and she said "See you tommorow" though I knew that was a lie and as I watched her leave the sun was slowly going down and the leaves on the trees by the woods by her house fluttered like butterflies caught on branches and I backed out the crashing sun stabbing my eyes and I told myself not to even bother to cry not to even bother to have any other emotions again because this was all I was ever going to get and now sometimes when I lay restless at night in an empty bed I remember how beautiful it was that day that her face was a part of the sky.
--Chris Pudding


January 26th, 2003 | KILLSWITCH ENRAGED So me, Luke, and Never-Before-Mentioned-On-This-Website-Gina went to the Boysetsfire concert the other night. Frank couldn't come because he waited too long to finaly decide to go and they were sold out. Anyway, I really enjoy Boysetsfire, and I'd like to say "THAT CONCERT ROCKED!!!" but, that would be lying. Oh, the fireboys did a good job, they played good songs, but, well, it just wasn't a memorable concert. Where's the heart? Where's the soul? Where's teh Connor Oberst? There were two opening bands, one called Chris Pudding Can't Remember The Bands Name and one called Killswitch Engaged. Ray Willis likes Killswitch Engaged. But then again, Ray Willis thinks Cabin Boy is a good movie. They weren't good. They shrieked, they screamed, their music was predicitable and unoriginal, their bass player took himself way too seriously and tried to dance while playing bass, and their guitarist looked like a muppet. And everyone loved them. I don't really have a point.


OH, and we all came up with a good fucking song in Sail On, Brave Captain, Be Immortal, at practice the other day. The band did a great job. I however sucked ass because I lost my voice halfway through the first song we did while rocking out. I'm a terrible terrible singer. Anyway, we're gonna keep practicing till we get fucking great. One thing is sure: we're better than Killswitch Engaged.
--Chris Pudding

January 26th, 2003 | GHOULS NIGHT OUT I was thinking of starting a side project to be called the ghoulunatics, but as it turns out there is a fucking canadian death metal group called the ghoulunatics so I shot myself in the face because someone fucking calls their band the ghoulunatics.
--Luke


January 26th, 2003 | FRANKENSTEIN
When im not busy with my many hot girlfriends, I like to save the world as a red caped crusader that goes by the name clark Kent.
--Frank



January 24th, 2003 | NO, WHERE'S YOUR FUCKING RAGE???
On Tuesday night, me, The Appostle Luke and Frank Enstein recorded more songs, seeing as Ray Of Sunshine Willis had to go to work at the Balloon Factory. Anyway, the others were fucking rock-tonic-juice-magic as usual with thier great musical skill, while I sounded like fucking shit. I think a Ghoul crawled down my throat during the night and stole my singing ability. Anyway, hopefully the fucking Ghoul will bring back my singing skill by Saturday morning, because we're going to rock out there, where we will hopefully write new music for the several new songs I've recently written. And as usual "We're getting a show soon" yeah, just keep telling yourself that.
--Chris Pudding



January 20th, 2003 | MORE BEST MOVIE OF THE YEAR CRAP
Well folks, we live in an area (New Jersey of Suck) that is not really that good when it comes to getting movies. I'd like to call it a "Dead Zone"--a term I made up myself. Anyway, there were a few more 2002 movies, but since we live in Ballsville, we didn't get them till 2003. ANYWAY, fuck you. And what I mean is, here are some more films that can be considered among the best films of 2002:

CHICAGO: Who would've thought that a musical could be a good movie? I mean, I hate musicals. Why are they singing? Why doesn't any one ever act shocked? I mean, just think, if you were in a mall one day, and everyone started singing and dancing perfectly in-sync with each other, wouldn't you be like "Yo, what the fuck, yo?" But all that aside, this movie was really damned good and full of robots. Except the robot part.

ABOUT SCHMIDT: Jack Nicholson gets old, but still looks cool. This movie is just damn good. And man, that Kathy Bates and her fuckin' boobs. Oh god...

THE HOURS: Some clown from Time Magazine said this was "The worst movie of 2002". I order you to go out and egg his house. The worst film of 2002??? Has this guy not seen Ecks VS. Sever?? If this is the worst film of the year, than it must've been a great year for movies...and as you know, XXX came out in 2002, so you know that's not true. This movie is fucking good, and Nicole Kidman kicks ass as Virginia Woolf. I will admitt, the film is a bit meleodramtic at times, and the book is better than the movie, but still, it the Hours is a great film with great performances and lots of refrences to suicide. Take the whole family, and bring the Prozac.

Anyway, band news: There is none. Yeah, we are the laziest band ever. But we're so good, I mean, man, we make Jesus look like a pussy. It's true.
--Chris Pudding

January 19th, 2003 | KELPIE'S = SHIT
God, it's a really slow month for da Fish. But this Saturday we're gonna rock out again, recording and practicing and such, and afterwords we're gonna go over to Coffee Works and beg them for a show of pain. Then we'll take it from there. Fucking Loch Ness Monster. He ate my shit. I also wrote new SERIOUS songs. WOWZA.
--Chris Pudding

January 16th, 2003 | AND I DO MEAN YAHOO SERIOUS SONGS
Yeah, well, not much is happening, though I'm sure no one cares because no one reads this anyway. I just update this every now and then on the small hope that people care about what I have to say. But I know they don't. So what does it matter? Anyway, I'm writing the songs for the acoustic show right now, and I'm taking my time because I'm trying to make them somewhat "good" and when I say good I mean I'm trying hard to be like Bright Eyes. Anyway, fuck the Robots.
--Chris Pudding




January 11th, 2003 | HAPPY FUN TIME UPDATE
It's offical--I'm dead inside.
--Chris Pudding


January 3rd, 2003 Part 2: Electric Boogaloo
Jiha Lee is the only girl for me.
--Chris Pudding



January 3rd, 2003 | DEPRESSO PUDDO
So lately I've been more depressed than anything that has ever been depressed. I don't really see any point of exsisting anymore, and not a day goes by that I don't think about killing myself. Who knows, maybe I'll get some songs out of it.

In other news, we drove to the run down Shit Factory that the Boo Radley's are living in right now and egged it. They fucking suck. They have their own website, http://www.thebooradleys.faithweb.com. Go there and see how gay there are. Fucking Boo Radleys.

I know I keep saying this, but I mean, I will be getting the Catfish a show very soon, and there will be an acoustic show even sooner. So look out, mother fuckers. God I'm sad.
--Chris Pudding


January 2nd, 2003 | SUNSHINE ON MY SHOULDERS MAKE'S ME HAPPY
I want to kill myself.
--Chris Pudding


January 1st, 2003 | THE JETSON'S WERE RIGHT
Happy New Year, fucks, though I don't know whats happy about it.

Anyway, on New Years Eve we played a show at Franks house with some band called Death By Mummies, I think, the great band ORWELL, and another band, The Boo Radley's. My God, the Boo Radley's were fucking horrible. I mean, I've seen bad bands before, but this band was bad. We're talkin Dysfunctional Society bad here people. Now if you're saying "But Chris, you sexy fucking fiend, Dysfunctional Society is good," well, get the fuck off my website. Idiots.

Anyway, cars can fly now and robots run rampant. The Catfish will have an acoustic show coming up soon at some fucking coffee shop, since they're easier to book. And after that they will most likely have a rock n roll show. Dates will be posted when known. Until then, make sure you forget your old aquaintances or whatever..
--Chris Pudding


December 29th, 2002 | NEWSFLASH: RAY WILLIS KILLS FRANK

Murder!!!!!!! Well, actualy, not murder. But close.

While Ray, Luke and Frank were practicing for their other, less drug oriented band, ORWELL, Ray apparently got possessed by a whale of a kelpie, and went as mad as Frankenstein and a Mermaid, and fucking attacked Frank with a log.

He knocked Frank's head off, and they had to stitch it back on with eight stitches.

Anyway, Frank's zombie is still on the lose.

Fucking Kelpie's.
--Chris Pudding


December 28th, 2002 | THE BOSS, AND I DON'T MEAN MR. SLATE
Bruce Springsteen is still fucking cool.
--Chris Pudding

December 25th, 2002 | HOLIDAY FUN STICK
Merry Fuckin' Christmas you fucking fools.

Well, you'll either be pleased or horrified to know that the Catfish have started to record!!!!!!! Wowza! We recorded about fifteen songs, and theres lots more to go. Lots being like...ten or something...anyway, I am pleased as fucking punch because they turned out so fuckin good and catchy. So I'd like to take this moment to say something that no one will read anyway, but, thanks to the band, for rocking so much. I mean, I just write my stupid lyrics and sing and offer not very helpfull suggestions on the music like "Yeah, can you make it faster..." Or "I want it to sound like a Get Up Kids song..." but its these guys who really put it all together and make something rocking. So thank you, Luke, Frank, Ray and Dracula, for rocking the house. And Merry Ghoulmas, you fucking fools. Hopefully we'll finish recording some time this week.

--Chris Pudding







June 15th, 2002 | FUCKING GHOULS

We played a show at the abandoned Lakeland Mental Insitution last night. Being former mental patients, it was like going home, without the constant shock therapay treatments and frequent lobotomy's.
The show was free and drunken teenagers showed up. These attractive girls were there and they were screaming that they wanted our bodies, but I think what they really wanted was to drink of our life juices.
Well I dunno if it was my psychosis or the ten pounds of coke I had just snorted but during "An Even Larger Lamp Post" I began to see giant spiders with green eyes and long red hair on the ceiling, so much so that I began screaming: "Get the fuck out of my cotton crop, you beasts of burden!" The audience believeing these to be new lyrics went wild, and threw their pants at me.
Luke then did a rocking solo with his mind while Joe Pie refused to play for half the songs, instead sitting still and biting his lower lip till it bled. The Mummy fell down a lot and Ray ended up breaking his bass drum because instead of using the foot pedal he instead just kicked the drum itself.
It was about this time the cops showed up, screaming about us not having a "permit" and then the tear gas broke out, and then the crowd rioted. I think like five people died.
All in all, it was a pretty good show.
--Chris Pudding

June 18th, 2002 | DID YA GET MY CHEESE-WHIZ, BOY?

I'm sad today, but that's nothing new. I'm always sad about something. Like when the X-Files are over. I watch an episode, then its over, and I weep. Or like when I realize how empty and pointless my life is. Ya know, life is funny sometimes. And when I say funny, I mean despressing.

We played at Bob's Country Bunker tonight. We weren't booked there, but instead we pretended to be The Good Ole Boys. At first, the country crowd did not like our blues songs, that was until we started playing "Raw Hide." Soon we had won the crowd over. We closed with "Stand By Your Man" and they loved us. But then the shenanigans really got bad when the REAL Good Ole Boys showed up. Man, were they mad. So we were on the run soon, being chased by the Good Ole Boys, John Candy, the Police, some Nazis, and---Oh wait. That was in "The Blues Brothers." Well what the fuck did we do tonight then?
--Chris Pudding

July 2nd | I DIED........MY HAIR. HA HA HA. WAIT, THEN THAT'S THE WRONG SPELLING...FUCK
Well, I dyed my hair black, and when we went out on stage tonight at the Brothmor Grille
in Philly, I took the mike and yelled "I DYED MY HAIR BLACK!" and pointed to my
head. Some girl in the audience yelled back "I thought your hair WAS black." I sighed
and shook my head. My hair was BROWN. BROWN, you fuckers.

I sighed and refused to sing. Some fat man in the audience said he'd cover for me, but it
turned out he thought we were Operation Ivy and started singing Operation Ivy songs,
which sound like this "BLAH BLAH LA WAHH YEAH GOVERMENT SUCKS BLAH
AHHHH AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!" Well the band walked off stage, leaving the fat man
bathed in the blue spot lights. The audience yelled "Boo!" because apparently they
thought they were ghosts, and me and the band ran for the door with the money, leaving
our instruments behind. We did't care, we could buy new ones, with the money, see. GET
IT? BROWN! FUCKERS.
--Chris Pudding

July 3rd | ONLY JEFF GOLDBLUM CAN SAVE US NOW
Well Independence Day is one day away, and you know what that means. Yes, that's right, it's time to fucking fight those mother fucking alien invaders. THEY STOLE MY SOUL. I HATE JESUS. I did a lot of coke soon as I woke up this morning, so much so that my eyes began leaking blood, but I didn't mind. I strolled down the street and had sexual relations with a mail box. Man was that mail-man angry when he showed up. He said "Hey, you can't fuck that mail box!" I laughed and said "Jokes on you, Spoothy, I already did." Then I stole his mail sack and ran around screaming "I AM SANTA CLAUS! HO HO HO!" Next thing I remember I woke up at Asbury Park, on the abandoned boardwalk, where the other band members awaitied. We took the stage, which wasn't a stage at all but actual a bunch of rocks, and we began to warm up. The crowd consisted of mostly skater kids and a few bums who smelled like pee. Well, we played a kick-ass show, and we had to play extra loud to compete with the sound of the crashing waves. We played so loud that the cops showed up and beat us with their clubs. Well, I suffered a sevear concussion, but instead of going to the hospital, I went home and watched an episode of some show called "The Constipated Family" or something. Then my landlord, who is a monkey dressed as a pirate, came asking for rent. I payed him in smooches and he was on his way. Ahh, I love Christmas time.
--Chris Pudding

August 22 | HANDS OFF MY SOUL
Well, we were on a break for a while, just like Ross and Rachel on that delightful show "Friends." I find that Lisa Kudrow damned attractive, and would like to make love to her face many times over. Anyway, our album, "The Unbearable Lightness of Being" is on hold till we can figure out when the hell the world will stop dying. In the meantime, however, we're going to be recording a new EP, entitled, "THE BOOGEN GARAGE EP" Look for it soon, it includes the hit song "SOMETHING TO ROBOT HOME ABOUT." God I wish I had a sandwhich.
--Chris Pudding

December 7 | GOOD RIDDENCE TO BAD MUMMY
Well, we've been away a while.

Our tour bus crashed into the Great Wall of China, because Ray doesn't know how to drive right. We weren't even supposed to be IN China.

Nothing has happened.

Oh wait, yes there has.

The Mummy is gone. Goodbye, Mummy.

You see, in China, he met this woman named Laura. And she was alright, I guess, though she had a nasty habit of wearing Emo Glasses. Anyway, Laura turned out in fact to be the Chinese version of the Succubus, called the Mawgcho. And she sucked Steve The Mummy's soul.

Well, it was no great loss, seeing as the Mummy actualy never did anything with the band, and he had no rythem what-so-ever.

Anyway, Joe, who will always be in the band, may not be available to really ever play with us, but thats ok, because Joe is fucking Awesome, and will always be in the band.

Ray Willis' roll in the band has been elevated to not only cowbell, but also Bad Clarinet and KEYBOARDS. Yeah, keyboards! Get ready for fake sounding drum beats baby!!

Ray however wont be playing drums that much, except on those rare occasions that we want the drumming to sound GOOD.

So that brings us to: DUN DUN DUN!!!!!!

A NEW BAND MEMBER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, it's true. And you thought we were so bad no one wanted anything to do with us!

HaHA!

You see, when we got back from China, we found this guy living in our studio. He was sleeping inside hollowed out timpini that Luke broke a long time ago. We said, "Yo, fucker, what the hell, yo?"

And he stood up and was like "Uh, um, I'm like sorry, man. I kinda lost myself in the music."

He laughed for five hours.

We all stood there, for five hours, just staring at him.

When he stopped laughing, he apologized.

"Look," Ray said. "I'm a dufus."

"That we know," I said. "But who the hell are you?"

The guy said "My name is Frank Drummingstein. I drum things at random."

He then began drumming on Luke's belly. Luke giggled like a school girl, and then read a book by Karl Marx in a split-second. Luke is smart.

Well anyway, I had had enough of this, and proceeded to kill Frank. Being bi-polar, I instantly regretted it and cried. Luke went to his labratory (he has a labratory now) and ressurected Frank.

"Wanna be in our band?" I said.
"What's your sound?" he asked.
"We sound like the way it sounds inside the head of a very unstable mental patient suffering from schizophrenia and obsessive complusive behavior."
"Far out, I dig that, it's my kicks," Frank said. He clearly was a man from the 50's transported to our future world to harvest grapes and organs. Not human organs, the musical kind.

And so, Frank joins our band. Frank is tall and thin and likes Metallica. He also is great to tell jokes too, even unfunny ones, because he laughs at the drop of a hat.

And so, thats us, the new IMMORTAL CATFISH.

Coming this Christmas, expect a new split CD from us: "THE HAPPY THANKSGHOULING/MERRY GHOULMAS EP". It'll deck your halls and stuff your bird.

Lata, Suckas!

--Chris Pudding--


Dec 15th, 2002 | BETTER GO SHOPPING FOR A NEW FUCKING OUTLOOK ON LIFE, LOSERS

Well it appears that Christmas is drawing close upon us, and I've got the Christmas blues so bad that I feel the need to yell at children. Anyway, we should be getting ready to record very soon, like next week soon. Me and Luke were sitting at Barnes and Nobel last night, when the drawings of the famous authors on the walls came to life and started killing everyone. We saw fit to kick their asses. I shoved a spear through James Joyce's face while Luke kicked Orwell in the neck till his head came off. Then I did a lot of fucking Acid before driving quickly the wrong way in traffic. Luke said "Cool" and then things in the sky exploded and every day I think I may just not really be that right in the head...

--Chris Pudding--



December 17th, 2002 | WHO IS THE PICKLE THEIF??

As the days grow colder and I grow more and more insane and depressed, I find myself reflecting on days gone past. Like...um...oh...Well, there's...oh...nevermind.

Anyway, I went to Dracula's house today, and pounded on his door till he answered. I said "Fuck you, Dracula!" He just stood there, shocked.

I have officialy finished writing all the lyrics that will be needed for the Catfish Holiday CD, which changes its name every time we mention it...ever get that feeling like your eyes are underwater while the rest of your body isn't? Isn't that weird...I think theres a mudslide in my brain...
--Chris Pudding



December 19th, 2002 | I HATE WHITE TRASH NEW JERSEY SCUM FATHERS
Well, me, Luke and Frank saw that there Lord of the Nerds sequel, The Two Towers (insert your own September 11th Joke NOW) the other day, and I must say, it---wasn't that good. I enjoyed the first one, and even though that one was like five hours long I never got bored with it--but this one, I got bored, a lot. There was a period during the film, somewhere in the middle, where I felt like standing up and screaming and ripping my hair out, but I feel like that most of the time anyway.

Anyway, the movie was like two and a half hours of people talking about if they should or should not do something, then finaly they do something, which results in a pretty cool battle. Oh, and there's fucking WALKING TALKING TREES in it, plus that fuck Smeagol, fucker.

There was this White Trash Man behind us, with two basterd kids, and they talked through the whole movie. And not appropriate, whispering, side comment talk, but conversation talk. And the kids asked asshole questions. In one scene, that fuckin Aragon guy is smoking this long pipe, and the white trash kid says "WHY IS HIS PIPE SO LONG?" to which his white trash dad YELLS: "NOW IS NOT THE TIME FOR QUESTIONS, WATCH THE MOVIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" He repeated this throughout the film. So when the movie was over, we hunted that family down and fucking murdered them. No more fucking Arby's and Jerry Springer for them, the fucks.

Anyway, Ghoulmas is like a week away, wowza. Who cares? Does anyone even read this anyway? I feel like dancing.

--Chris Pudding--



December 21, 2002 | BEST AND WORST FLICKS OF 2002!!

Yes, well, the year is drawing to an end, which means one thing: AWARD SEASON! Yeah, that's right. And seeing as I try to see like every movie ever made, I'm here to give you a fucking break down on the best and worst films of 2002. So sit back and shut up.

First off, THE BEST:

10. FRIDA: This film, staring Salma Hayek and a uni-brow, was fucking great. Director Julie Taymore actualy went so far as to bring Frida's paintings TO LIFE. Oh yeah. Frida is all about art, love, and pain. And more pain. And even more pain. With great performances from just about everyone in the film.

9.INTERVIEW WITH THE ASSASSIN: This "mock-umentary" tells the story of a documentary film-maker, making a film about an old man who claims that he was the infamous "second gunman" who killed JFK. The film mixes humor with paranoia and the performances are top-notch.

8. AUTO-FOCUS: The "true" story of Bob Crane, aka, Hogan from Hogan's Heroes. The story of how he and his friend John Carpenter (not the director) fucked just about every woman in Hollywood, until they had a fight and then Bob got murdered. Greg Kener prooves that he's not just that fucking Talk Soup guy, and acts. Willem Defoe, as usual, is fucking fantasic.

7.RULES OF ATTRACTION: This film pretty much bombed, mostly because it was sort of advertised as being a funny American Pie-ish comedy about teenagers trying to have sex. Well, it's more than that. The film is a comedy, but a very dark comedy. It's not your American Pie type crap, it's much more. It's about college life, and all that comes with it. It's funny, dark, and at times even disturbing, and proves that even fucking Dawson from Dawson's Creek can occasionaly act. There's more sex and drugs in the film than there is at real college, however.

6.ONE HOUR PHOTO: Who knew "Mrs. Doutbfire" could fucking really become a good actor. Robin Williams gives a great and fucking creepy performance in this fucking creepy movie about Sy, the photo guy, who develops photos, is a little too obsessed with one family, and who dreams of bleeding eyes. You'll never look at the guy who does your film at Wal-Mart the same again.

5.ROAD TO PERDITION: Man, what a good fucking movie. That Tom Hanks sure can pick em, just like Turner and Hooch. Here he plays a hit man who goes on the run with his son after his wife and other son get killed. Paul Newman is fucking great as the "boss."

4.BOWLING FOR COLUMBINE: Michael Moore has made a documentary that doesn't just tap you on the shoulder, it hits you in the face and says "WAKE THE FUCK UP." Just see this movie, its fucking great. And prooves what an idiot Charlton Heston is.

3. ADAPTATION: Nicolas Cage, who has been making mostly shit, makes a good film, and turns in not one but TWO good performances. He plays twin screenwriters, Donald and Charlie Kauffman. He's hired to adapt the book The Orchid Theif. And a bunch of tomfoolery and shennanigans happen. Meryl Streep shows that she too can still act, and Chris Cooper is always fucking good, and even more so here.

2. PUNCH-DRUNK LOVE: Adam Sandler not doing shit jokes? WHAT??? Oh man, I can't even begin to say how much I love this movie. If one may use the word "enchanting" I'm gonna say this film is fucking enchanting. And Emily Watson is perhaps the most beautiful actress around today, with those big eyes of hers. Good stuff.

And the best movie of the year is:

1. GANGS OF NEW YORK!!!!!!!: Fuck yeah. Martin Scorsesse proves again that HE CAN NOT MAKE A BAD MOVIE, EVER. And even Leonardo De Caprio shows off acting talent! But the best performance in the film belongs to Daniel Day-Lewis, who is fucking incredible as Bill the Butcher. It's over two hours long but never gets boring. See it now, or I will fucking star a riot in your street.


Special Mention:
These films are by no means "the best" but they're pretty good, and entertaining:
Signs--just a fun film; Red Dragon--Anything Lecter oriented can't be bad; Blood Work--an entertaining film; The Ring--Not really scary but at least it's an interesting non crappy horror movie; Frailty--No one really saw this movie, and they really should've.


And now,
THE WORST:

10.LORD OF THE RINGS: THE TWO TOWERS: I'm sorry, really, I am, but this movie was not good. I enjoyed the first film, and the special effects are pretty cool, but MY GOD, it was soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo boring. Two and a half hours of nothing happening, and then a half hour of cool fighting. Sorry, nerds, but it's no good.

9.FEARDOTCOM: Oh man, it's...oh....man. ::Shakes head::

8.SIMONE: An interesting idea, and Al Pacino is always cool, but this film just wasn't good. After it was over it felt like I hadn't even seen it.

7.STAR WARS EPISODE 2: ATTACK OF THE CLONES: What a stupid fucking movie.

6.BAD COMPANY: Anthony Hopkins, c'mon man, don't make shit like this. And Chris Rock, you're not a movie star.

5.WINDTALKERS: Nicolas Cage made this shitty ass "war" movie. It's just, shit. John Woo, who is a cool director, apparently fell asleep while making this film and forgot to "direct."

4.THE TRANSPORTER: Turkish, you're not an action hero man, don't try to be.

3.MEN IN BLACK 2: Not a good year for sequels. This movie was like, two minutes long, and nothing happened. David Cross was funny though.

2.XXX: No, this isn't a porn film. A porn film would've been GOOD. Will someone please stop giving Vin Diesel movie rolls. Please? I'll actualy pay you to stop doing that.

and the worst movie of the year is:

1. BALLISTIC: ECKS VS. SEVER: Why is that Ballistic in the title? In case during the one and a half hours of explosions we forget it's an action movie? This isn't simply the worst movie of the year, it's one of the worst movies of the last two years. I mean, GOD, what the hell were they thinking when they made this? WHAT? TELL ME!!! Boy in cage!! Sort of dead wife!!! Smug villian!! Thousands of faceless characters just randomly dying!!! And Ecks and Sever don't VS. each other, they team up. Fucking movie.

Well that's all for now kids. See you at the movies, with a fucking gun.


--Chris Pudding--