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March 24th, 2003
CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE RAY KIND #1
"It was a dark night and a group of us were driving around in my niffty car or fun, when suddenly from no where a gaint blue truck... i think it was a dogde ram charger came out of nowhere to my left. It was speeding in the passing lane and completely caught me off gaurd. When it finally got next to me, i looked at the driver to see an extremely hairy man head banging and bobbing his head like a chicken to som every loud noise. He seemed to be singing along, but he might have just stubbed his toe or been dieing. For a breif second he looked at me and smiled a ghoulishly scary teeth and then drove faster and into the horizon... and by horizon i mean he tunred left as i went straight. That was all we saw of the legend of Bagger Vance... I mean Ray Willis." - Warren Keitel
Feburary 8th, 2003
RAY'S UNGREGARIOUS ADVICE #5
Next time you find yourself stranded on a desert isle with your camera and are surrounded by natives just simply remember my simple advice. Even though they say not to take their picture because of some "It steals our souls" mumbo-jumbo, take their picture anyway. You'll want to enjoy those memories later. And when they're pulling your body off the spear, you'll think back at how great of a vacation this was.
Feburary 7th, 2003
RAY'S MUSINGS ON LIFE #4
Dust bunnies aren't really bunnies.... Muff bunnies are not even real.... Snow bunnies can shut the fuck up and stop eating my carrots.... i miss my carrots....
Feburary 5th, 2003
QUOTES FROM PEOPLE WITH NAMES SIMILAR TO EX-PRESIDETNS' #2!
- "God damn, I can't believe this is not butter!" -- Donald Regan
- "Stop hitting me wierdo! My teeth aren't made of wood! No!...." -- George Washingtoon
- "What? No look, you've got it all wrong. I never did anything. No. I wasn't a president.... What, that's looney. No i've never heard of Harry S. Truman." -- Barry F. Brewman
Janurary 22nd, 2003
RAY'S UNGREGARIOUS ADVICE #4
If you find yourself placing your last dollar bill into a soda machine and the machine not accepting it you might get pretty upset. I know I do. So here's some advice straight from Ray. Simply reach for the lighter you carry in your back pocket and burn the dollar bill in front of the machine exclaiming, "My money too good for you fucker!? Huh?" and then when the machine is distracted by the beautiful glow of the burning dollar and the machine weeps it's oily tears, Tip the fucker over and hit it with an axe till it spills it's thirst quenching goodness all over the floor! Then drink all the sodas like dracula sucking blood from an orphaned virgin! FUCK YOU SODA MACHINE!
Janurary 7th, 2003
RAY'S MUSINGS ON LIFE #3
If the state of New Jersey ever lets me have kids, I'm going to teach my sons about rigormortis early on, that way when they hit
December 31st, 2002
RAY'S CHEAP PRODUCT PLACEMENTS #2
But Clark P. Drottinghame's NEW way to fly might be dangerous, you say! Bull shit! Clark P. Drottinghame has inveted the ONLY way to fly without commercial support. How does it work? You simply place the support straps around the arms, legs, under the crotch, through the skull, around the neck, under your feet, and around the chest for fast action fun flying. Once secure, all you need to do is run and jump. The patented NON-STICK surface will keep you flying higher then a Doobie brother!
July 3rd, 2002
RAY'S UNGREGARIOUS ADVICE #3
If you and a friend are eating cookies, and there turns out to be one cookie left and you both want it, there is only one sure way of being fair. Simply tell your friend "Hey friend, i have a splendid idea of what to do with this last cookie." and when he is waiting patiently for your "idea," take off your shoe and beat him to death. That way you can have the cookie all to yourself, and if you're still hungry you can raid your friend's fridge and eat his food. Also be sure to empty his wallet and stuff the body in the woods. After all that work, that cookie will taste even better, because you've earned it.
July 2nd, 2002
RAY'S MUSING ON LIFE #2
Sometimes i just think to myself "Oh my God! Who's gonna feed the poor grass if i don't feed the grass!" and begin spreading food all over the lawn. Then i realise "What am i going to eat?" so i go to the neighbors' houses and slaughter their dogs. No one is ever the wiser. But ya know, who's gonna feed the grass if I don't?
June 26th, 2002
QUOTES FROM PEOPLE WITH NAMES SIMILAR TO EX-PRESIDENTS #1!
- "Just once I'd like someone to say,'Hey, are you related to that president?' and I'd reply,'No my name is pronounced Abe Lincoln.'" -- Gabe Lincton
- "I don't understand the confusion. My name doesn't even sound like his, let alone look like him. I'm much more handsome." -- Harold Fourd
- "I did have sexual relations with my wife, i mean secratary...wait, she was an intern. Is that what you wanted me to say?" -- Phil Klinkton
June 25th, 2002
RAY'S CHEAP PRODUCT PLACEMENTS #1
Is that penis I smell? haha, no because someone isn't wearing their Warwick Davis Penis Colonge! That's right, one dab on your "short man" and women (or men) can smell your penis from miles away. You can practically taste the sex. .... i mean smell it. ... AH FUCK!
June 20th, 2002
RAY'S UNGREGARIOUS ADVICE #2
when you're all alone it's alright to scream and yell not directing it towards anyone and at the top of your lungs till you pop a vein in your head and have an annurism and pass away, but when there is someone else in the room, make sure to scream directly in their ears, because it's unpolite to scream and yell and not have them hear it. Of course be sure to allow them the pleaure of the annurism as well.
June 17th, 2002
RAY'S MUSINGS ON LIFE #1:
Have you ever noticed that scum on the bottom of your shoe? I wonder if that is it's own scum, or just a collection of other scums amounted throught the day. Perhaps there are smaller organizations living in that scum? Does scum organisms have their own scum? That's interesting..................
June 15th,2002
RAY'S UNGREGARIOUS ADVICE #1
Although shaking babies is a fun and eventful plan for an evening, it can cause some harm. You should always stretch before shaking anything and be sure to use the forearms and elbows as apposed to the shoudlers because that can cause long term stress and may lead to future complications.
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