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RAY WILLIS: Lord of Foolish things.
And here's the proof.
100% true headlines,
about that oh-so-hairy-man,
Ray Willis,
written by Chris Pudding.
RAY WILLIS: DEAD?
Rumors have it that our own Ray Willis is apparently dead. We're not sure. You may be saying "Oh, but he's in your band, shouldn't you know?" And to that I say Eat It With Jam, Pastey. Sometimes Ray just dissapears for days and comes back married to some hooker. The point is, we don't know if Ray's dead, and we're too lazy to investigate.
RAY WILLIS: EATEN BY GHOULS!!
Ohh no!!! Ray Willis has apparently be eaten by ghouls! This is highly ironic, seeing as Ray always said "I may not be the quickets witted of most folk, but one thing is certain: I will never be eaten by ghouls!" Well, now he has been eaten by
ghouls. Please throw a piece of Ham out your window at midnight in mourning.
RAY WILLIS SWALLOWS A CITY
Ray Willis has swallowed the city of Detroit. It is now in his belly. Ray was quoted as saying: "Take that, 8-Mile!!"
RAY WILLIS REBUILDS BERLIN WALL!
Ray Willis has apparently rebuilt the Berlin Wall. When asked why, Ray said "I'm sick of people always saying that the world changed when that wall was built. Plus, I hate people who aren't as economicaly good as me. So I rebuilt that wall." Russia was quoted as saying, "Thank you, Ray Willis, you are a true Commie Nazi." Hitler could not be reached for comment.
RAY WILLIS REINSTATES JIM CROW LAWS!
Ray Willis has reinstated the Jim Crow Laws. When asked why, Ray said, and I quote: "I just really like Jim Crow. I mean, High Fidelity was awesome, and so was Grosse Pointe Blank." "But Ray," someone said, "That wasn't Jim Crow. That was John Cusack." And this point Ray started pointing his elbow back and forth and saying "AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"
RAY WILLIS UNLEASHES LARGE BEES UPON THE WORLD
Ray Willis has unleashed an abundance of large bees upon the world. The bees aren't really that large, they're just slightly larger than a regular bee. They don't do anything different than regular bees either. They still pollenate, they still buzz, they
still only sting you if you agitate them. Ray Willis said he did this because, and I quote: "I think bees are cool. I just don't like wasps. That's why I didn't unleash an abundance of large wasps." No word yet on where Ray aqquired these large bees.
RAY WILLIS FINDS JESUS' DEAD BODY
Ray Willis has dissproved the Catholic religion by discovering the over 2000 year old corpse of Jesus Christ. Ray claims he found the body in his backyard, burried under the shed where he keeps all his lawn mowers. "I was just out running around
and talking to myself when I accidentaly fell into the side of the shed, and the shed slipped back a few inches, and I found these bones. And the bones had a shirt on that said 'I AM JESUS' BODY'. So, yeah." The Pope has said, "Clearly, this is the
truth, and our religion is all a bunch of crap."
RAY WILLIS DISCOVERS ONE-EYED WILLY'S SHIP
Ray Willis, along with his "Goonies", has discovered the pirate ship of One-Eyed Willy, filled with gold and spooky skeletons. But rather than take the gold, Ray saw the skeletons and said: "AHHH, A SKELETON!!!!!!!!!!" and ran away. He ran so fast that he ran across the ocean and ended up in France somehow, where he got a job making french-bread pizza. The End.
RAY WILLIS INVENTS THE MOST USELESS INVENTION EVER
Ray Willis has invented the most useless and pointless thing ever: A TV remote controll that screams at you in Russian when you change the channell. "I don't know why I invented this," Ray said. "I was trying to harness the power of the sun.
But somehow I ended up making this remote controll that screams at you in Russian." No one, anywhere, wants this invention.
RAY WILLIS DECLAIRS THAT THE DALI LLAMA IS "TOTALY GAY",
During a recent interview with BASS FISHING WEEKLY, Ray Willis was quoted as saying, "And you know who else I hate? That fucking Dali Llama. That guy is so
lame. I mean, what's with this 'peace' shit? Doesn't he realize that the construction of any civilization starts with mass genocide? That guy is a homo. He is totaly gay." The Dali Llama could not be reached for comment.
RAY WILLIS MAKS THE SAINTS CRY
Scientists have discovered the true reason why it rains: Ray Willis makes the Saints cry. "Using footage from the Hubble Telescope," said Dr. Goory McCarlson, "we've discovered that every time it rains, it's because the Saints in heaven are crying over Ray Willis' shennanigans. And when it's really cold out, their tears turn into snow." On hearing this news, Ray Willis was quoted as saying "TOTALY AWESOME, HAMILTON!"
Ray Willis Finds Cure For Cancer, Tells NO ONE
Ray Willis, MD, has apparently discovered the cure for Cancer. Unfortunatly for those who have cancer, he wont tell the world what it is. "Trust me," Ray said. "You DON'T want to know." "But I do!" cried Cancer Boy Jimmy, a wheelchair bound sickly skeletal boy who has cancer. "PLEASE TELL ME!" "Sorry, Cancer Boy," Ray said. "It's mine."
RAY WILLIS STEALS LADIES HEARTS
Ray Willis has taken up a new hobby: stealing
ladies hearts. And I don't mean in the sense of a metaphor. I mean he's literaly going around with a knife and cutting out women's hearts. He then takes the hearts home and puts them in the freezer. Someone must stop him, but I'm not gonna do it.
RAY WILLIS KILLS FRANK ONCE AGAIN
Ray Willis has once again killed Frank.
Ray had previously killed Frank a in January by hitting Frank with a tree. Luke used his lab to bring Frank back to life.
But Ray killed him again.
Eye-witnesses claim to have seen Frank sitting by a babbling brook, reading poetry. Ray snuck up behind him and said "HI RAY." At which point Frank said, "I'm Frank, YOU'RE Ray." Ray then apparently shot Frank in the face.
Luckily, we have about fifty Frank clones we keep in the basement of our mansion.
RAY WILLIS' FIVE YEAR RELATIONSHIP WITH LIV TYLER COMES TO AN END
Ray Willis' five year relationship with actress Liv Tyler has ended. According to the Hollywood Nosy Fucking Loser Magazine, Willis and Tyler parted ways after a heated argument where Tyler was quoted as saying "We HAVE NOT been going out for five years! I don't even know YOU!" Ray Willis yelled back: "That's what YOU think! I've been living in the tree outside your house for years, watching you NAKED!!!" Tyler claims that Willis is in fact a stalker, and not her boyfriend, and that she would never date him in a million years. Willis was quoted as saying: "Who are you gonna believe? A really hairy man or Steven Tyler's fucking daughter?"
RAY WILLIS DISCOVERS THERE IS LIFE OUTSIDE OF THIS PLANET, PROCEEDS TO DESTROY IT
Ray Willis was abducted by aliens the other day.
The aliens, who looked like green sponges, told him that they felt he was the supreme
specimen of his species, and wanted to study them.
Obviously, the aliens did no research what-so-ever to come to such a conclusion.
Needless to say, Ray ended their civilization within a matter of seconds, after spotting a
red button marked DESTROY ALIEN CIVILIZATION.
"What's this do, dood?" he asked, and pushed the button.
Aliens R.I.P.
RAY WILLIS IS CAST AWAY
Ray Willis was flying his plane the other night, and then the plane flew into a horrible
tropical storm.
The plane crashed into the sea, and Ray washed up on an island, where he befriended a
volley ball he named "Fuck-Face."
Ray then discovered he was in fact on the Ocean City beach. He then went to the
boardwalk and got some Kettle-Corn.
RAY TAKES HIMSELF TO COURT
Ray Willis has taken himself to court on charges of rape.
"I just couldn't resist myself!" Willis told the judge. "I saw my ass in a mirror, and I thought, I have to rape that!!"
Ray then replied, "THAT'S RIGHT! I RAPED ME! AND IT WAS HORRIBLE!! I CAN'T BELIEVE I'D DO THAT TO MYSELF!!"
The judge remarked: "That is fucking stupid."
RAY WILLIS JUMPS OUT OF HIS SKIN
Ray Willis has done the seemingly impossible yet again.
This time, Ray Willis has jumped out of his skin, and danced around in his bones.
His bones clinked and clanked and made various boney noises, including chattering teeth.
Onlookers were quoted as saying of Ray Willis' actions: "T'aint no sin."
RAY WILLIS: VAMPIRE?
Ray Willis, looking at a window, mistook the window for a mirror.
When he couldn't see his reflection, he screamed: "OH no, I'm Dracula!"
He then staked himself to death.
RAY WILLIS FOUND IN CAVE
Ray Willis has been found alive in a cave.
Scientists for years had been denying the exsistance of such a creature, but now there is proof, as an actual Ray Willis has been found alive in a cave.
"It's amazing," said Dr. Jim Root. "He's so HAIRY."
Tests are being done on the Ray Willis as we speak.
RAY WILLIS UNLEASHES FEAR
Ray Willis has unleashed fear upon the world.
While walking through the mall, he found a door marked SPOOKTACULA SKELETONS, and opened it, unleashing skeletons upon the world, yabbering their bones and clanking their jaws.
When asked why, Ray said: "I thought the door said Spectacular JELLOTEN, ya know, like JELL-O? And I was like, dood, delish."
We're doomed.
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