NEWLY DISCOVERED!!!
We named this band after the legend of a sea captain that I had read about in Natural History magazine. I knew nothing about him, I just liked the name, cuz I'm dumb.
Here is an excerpt from that article:
GHOULY CATFISH: LEGEND OR LAUGHABLE?
by: BEN TARLTON.
Who was Captain Finn "Ghouly Catfish" Mcabe?
As far back as 1790, there were reports of him, sailing the seven seas, and terrorizing people everywhere. He and his men were believed to have aquired a stolen loot of over what would today be the equal of five billion dollars.
But, then again, most historians declaire Captain Catfish as a myth. A sort of "booger-man" of the sea. In fact, there has never been a single shred of evidence to suggest this infamous pirate ever exsisted...
Well, now there is.
That article was written three years ago. Two years after it was published, I discovered a very old worn book in the Book Trader on South Street called: THE BLOODTHIRSTY STORY OF CAPTAIN GHOULY CATFISH written by Jack Damico.
And recently, historians have discovered the actual DIARY of Captain Ghouly Catfish!! And we now present it to you as the days go by.
CAPTAIN GHOULY CATFISH TIME LINE:
1764: Sailor Washburn McCabe ports his ship, The Scurvy Bringer at Hong Kong. There he meets disease-soaked yet very attractive prostitute Hyromi Lan. The two have sex almost instantly. Nine months later, Finnigan Catsfeesh McCabe is born.
1776: A bunch of fucks in powdered wigs sign some fucking paper in Philadelphia and start a fucking war.
1777: Still living in Hong Kong, Finn McCabe, now nicknamed UGLY FACE by his peers, kills his father. Historians are not sure why. Some suggest it was because Finn had fallen sexualy in love with his hot Asain disease soaked prostitute mother. Others say it was because Washburn told Finn not to listen to his Hip Hop music so loud.
1780: Finn kills his mother. This earns him the new nickname, Parent-Killing-Guy.
1782: Finn travels to France and enrolls in Pirate University, aka, Pirate U. Their masscot: Ray Willis.
1786: Finn graduates with full honors. At this time, he has grown into a creepy looking man. His hair is long and greasy and black, his skin is pale, his teeth are crooked, and his eyes have a constant red tint to them. Fellow pirate graduates begin calling him "Ghouly."
1789: Finn "Ghouly" McCabe shanghi's his first ship: The Leaky Piece of Shit. It is dubbed the most sinkable ship ever.
The Next Day: The ship sinks.
1790--1800: Finn, now going by the name Captain Ghouly Ghostenberg, terrorizes the seas with his new ship, The Sea Wang. He blows other ships out of the water without warning, opens fire at the land whenever he docks his ship.
On one occasion, Captain Ghouly seiges a ship carrying Christian Missionaries to Brazil. He has the missionares boiled alive, and feeds their corpses to his dog, simply named "Crabs."
Captain Ghouly also makes it his personal duty to rape every woman he comes in contact with, with the exception of girls under thirteen, who he says "Just aren't boobed enough." He especialy likes Asain girls, thus giving more creedance to the whole "in love with his mother" deal.
Eventualy, in 1796, it suggested to him by his first mate, Roland Willis, that the Captain start using "Catfish" as his last name. The name sticks, and Captain Ghouly Catfish continues to kill, destroy, rape, and mock almost anything and everything he comes in contact with.
In 1799, Spain hires infamous bounty hunter Rollo St.Patrick to capture the Captain.
1800: Rollo St.Patrick disguises himself as an Asain girl, and traps Captain Catfish. The Captain is sentenced to death by hanging.
But--for some unknown reason--the rope about to hang the Captain breaks, saving the Captain's life.
Captain Catfish seezes this oppurtunity, and runs off.
He dissapears for three years.
1802: Rollo St.Patrick's corpse is found in Istanbull, it's arms, legs and penis severed.
Historians theorize that either Ghouly Catfish killed him, or it was the Wolfman.
A year passes without any Catfish news, and he is presumed dead.
1804-08: Roland Willis, Captain Catfish's old first mate, has taken over terrorizing the seas.
He is doing quite well, actualy, until his body is found hung from a bell tower, his innards cut out.
Attatched to him is a note, reading: "I SHALL MAKE THE SEAS--AND THE WORLD--SAFE AGAIN--C.G.CATFISH"
Systematicaly, more and more pirates begin turning up dead.
It seems as if Captain Catfish has returned, and has now become a vigilantie, helping to rid the world of pirates.
Because of his incredibly bloody efforts, he's granted a full pardon.
1817: Captain Ghouly Catfish dissapeares, and is never heard from again.
Historians have many theories, most of which are boring or stupid.
1880:Dracula born.
1997: A family living in New England claim that their house once belonged to Ghouly Catfish. It is rumored that he did live in New England during the end of his life.
But even more shocking is the fact that the home is apparently being haunted by Ghouly's ghost, who occasionaly writes a message in blood on the walls.
The message: I AM A SPOOKY PIRATE GHOST.
2000: Most historians come to the conclusion that Captain Ghouly Catfish has been nothing but a myth. No one knows why they came to this conclusion. They're idiots.
2003: Captain Ghouly Catfish's diary is discovered burried in the basement of the home in New England he apparently owned.
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FROM THE DIARY OF GHOULY CATFISH
Spelling and other error's have not been corrected. Entries will be updated weekly/daily
December the 12th, 1790--today I bought me a diary.
December the 25th, 1790--merry christmas, diary
December the 26th, 1790--i have aqquired meself the finest vessle i could afford, and by afford i means steal. tis a ship called The Sea Wang. hopesfully, it will be better than me last ship, the Leaky Piece of Shit, which sank after one day afloat. fuckin ship.
December the 28th, 2045--err--i mean, 1790--i have begun the process of gettin me a crew. so fars i have a large crew, all of whom will probably resort to homoqueerality once we be at sea. no me tho, i do not go for that assey-sniffin jive.
i have aquired me a first mate by the name of Rolland Willis. He says his dream is of one day havin a great great grandson named Ray Willis. what a dream.
Later--we set sail this after'noon, and i instanly had the cannons open fire at a seagull in the sky that was laughin' at me. take that, fuckin' gull.
january 1st 1791--happy new year, diary
januray 4th '91--we came across a sea serpant in the middle of the pacific. he said "Lo there, ship-o-souls, if yee be me friend, i shall grant you wishes." I orded the men to shoot it. Fucker
Jaunary 10th, 1791--i'm lonely
Jan. 23, 1791--been a while since i've writ in this here thingy. today, we siezed a ship. there was women aboard, i ordered them stripped while i searched for diamonds in their butts. i found none. very dissapointed.
Feb. 2, 1791--Today we sailed deep into uncharted waters. I stood on the deck and watched the firey red ball of the sun sink slowly into the blue waters. It were a peacefull site, but not wantin' me men to think less of me manhood, I remarked: "Fuck that sunset, it's stupid." Everyone agreed, and I retreaded to my cabin, where I wept over the undying beauty in this world.
Then I killed one of the crew and drank his blood.
March 10, 1791--We sailed around the Rock of Rocking Horse Winner today, and on the other side we met actual mermaids! They sang to us and said "We will give you jeweles and love and peace." I ordered my men to rape and murder them, then we ate their corpses. Murmaids are delish.
April 2, 1791--Came across the wreckage of a ship floating in the sea. We pulled some of it aboard, including a large wooden box. The crew seemed very afraid of the box. I called them all pussies..
(later)
It is night fall, and several crew members have turned up dead. Also, the wooden box has been broken into, and there is nothing inside.
(later)
While asleep in my cabin, heard screams from above deck. I grabbed a pistol and ran up to see what all the hootenaney was.
I gasped as I saw A MUMMY!! He was wrapped in bandages and moaning, and attacking various crew members.
"Save us, Captain Catfish!" a crew member cried.
"Fuck you, wuss-o," I said and shot the crew member. Then I unsheathed my sword and charged at the Mummy.
"Have at thee, yee walking pile o' bones!" I yelled. The Mummy moaned. I cut his head off. The crew cheered. They won't be cheering when I make them all eat Mummy Soup for a month! HAR HAR! HAR!
....more to come...
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